by Steven Valentine & Patrick Redding
Aries: Won’t change the bulb. Keeps poking irritably at the old one and insisting that it’s just a short in the wiring & will come back on any time now. Then manages to set the house on fire while trying to rewire the thing.
Taurus: Eventually changes the bulb (once he’s convinced himself that it really has burned out and is never coming back on) but can’t bring himself to throw the old one away.
Gemini: Sweet-talks you into changing it because he’s way too busy talking on the phone. Both lines.
Cancer: Informs you that it’s your job to change the light bulb because vertigo runs in his family and makes it impossible for him to climb ladders.
Leo: Spends several hours first announcing to everyone present that he’s going to change the light bulb. When he finally gets around to actually doing it, he does change the light bulb but also angles the socket so that the light cast on him is more flattering. Spends the rest of the day making certain everyone knows he did it.
Virgo: Changes the light bulb as soon as it burns out. Before it even has a chance to cool off. While he’s at it, he also cleans the lamp globe, the cobwebs, the top of the dresser, the stepladder he’s standing on, the tops of those door frames (dust mites, you know, they’re terrible), and does anyone have a Q-tip and some denatured alcohol to get the rust off the mounting screws for the globe?
Libra: Goes to the store to buy a new bulb. Gets distracted by all the different colored bulbs and spends the next three hours choosing one to buy, then changing his mind & running back to get a different one, repeating over & over. If he actually makes it home with a purchase, it will be one of every bulb the store had, and you’ll be expected to render an opinion while he tries each one in the socket to see which one suits the room best.
Scorpio: Would rather sit in the dark anyway. It keeps people from wanting to look into the windows.
Sagittarius: Wants to play rock-paper-scissors with you to determine who has to change the bulb, then (if he loses) tells you that you shouldn’t use such cheap bulbs anyway.
Capricorn: Changes the light bulb himself (making certain to replace it with an energy-efficient cost-cutter bulb) because he knows no one else will do it correctly.
Aquarius: Mobilizes a community-action group to hand out fliers about the energy-saving benefits of using only one light bulb in a dual-socket ceiling fixture.
Pisces: Will change the bulb, but will also subject you to the pitiful tale of how they didn’t have electric lights in the house where he grew up and had to make their own candles.
© Copyright 2001 by Steven Valentine & Patrick Redding. Republished 2007, 2011.
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