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21 (Other) Uses for
a Box of Condoms
Patrick Redding & "Queen Z" Well, you just bought an economy-size box of condoms with your sweetie last week and guess what? This week your sweetie's found someone else & wants to "just be friends." So until the next good thing comes along, what are you supposed to do with 4 dozen Trojans? Well, how about a few ideas to get you through these hard times…. 1. Fill them with helium and have mini-balloon races in the parking lot. 2. Unroll, add starch, and use as bookmarks. Or fly-swatters. 3. Take a dozen or so to the grocery store and amuse yourself by strategically placing them on various fruits and vegetables. 4. Slip them over the ends of all your shovels, brooms, hammers, etc., as "no-slip grip" devices. (This is only for the textured ones, not the lubricated ones). 5. Lubricated ones can be slipped over your hand and used as a grooming aid for pets! 6. Colored condoms make much more interesting hand-puppets than plain old socks do. 7. Practice the art of self-defense, learning to fling those little packets around like Chinese throwing-stars (those sharp corners could cause a nasty scratch if you caught someone in the eye with it!). 8. Snip off the end & go ask the pet store if they can tell you what kind of snake this skin belonged to. 9. String the packets like popcorn & use as garland on your Christmas tree (seasonal use only). Hang the gold foil packets as ornaments, or glue them to a wreath if you're coping with a particularly intense state of Martha Stewart syndrome. 10. Or, for another seasonal idea, they make great stocking stuffers for nieces & nephews. (You know they're doing it anyway--probably swiping the things out of your dresser drawer when they come to visit, the little thieves.) 11. If it's closer to Halloween, include a few in your goodie-bags for the neighborhood trick-or-treaters. 12. Stand outside the vasectomy clinic & hand them to people as they come out, reminding them that it's always good to have a backup plan. 13. Put address labels on the packets & leave one with your tip in the restaurant if you have a really cute server. 14. Give a few to the parents of that obnoxious little brat next door. Better late than never. 15. 4 dozen unopened condom packets laced together make a much more comfortable seat cover than those wooden beaded things. 16. Hang them from the branches of trees in your local park. Ask the park ranger what kind of tree it is & if it bears fruit like that year 'round. 17. Add sticks to the packets & drop them into the lollipop basket at the bank teller's window. 18. Did you know that latex smells really, really bad when it's set on fire, but burns with a very nice greenish-blue flame? 19. Fill with pellets & form into cute little animals. Go to the flea market and set up a booth to sell your handcrafted limited-edition "Weenie Babies." 20. Carry a few opened ones with you when driving; randomly stop other drivers and ask them if they'd mind stepping out of their car and taking a breathalyzer test for you. 21. Don't forget to be generous. Mail them anonymously to your ex's new "thang" with a note enclosed saying that you're sure that the nasty infection has cleared up by now, but just in case…. © Copyright 2003-2007 by Patrick Redding & "Queen Z" |