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Some
Thoughts on Love, Sex & Relationships
"Queen Z" Some people think a good relationship is one where two people stay together until they die. Preferably without one of them killing the other. * * * "'Til death do you part"... When I was younger, I used to think that was really very sweet and romantic--and totally beyond my ability. But I think we get stronger as we grow older and wiser. Now, I think "'til death do you part" is for underachievers. I'm in it for the long run. * * * The secret is to find someone you truly love, someone who brings out all your best qualities, and, for godsake, somebody you can laugh with... and commit yourself to them. Making a commitment means more than saying "I do" or signing papers or sharing your closet space. It means NO ONE LEAVES. No matter what. It means if you piss me off, I might tell you about it in a not-so-nice way and we might yell and throw a few things, but we work it out. It means YOU DON'T LET LOVE DIE. * * * And sometimes it's not so much a matter of finding someone to love. A lot of people have long-term love relationships going on already that they just don't acknowledge to themselves or each other. Maybe they think it's a big deal that the person's the same sex or a different color or twenty years older or whatever. But if it's love, none of that really has to be a big deal. Love does not recognize such restrictions. It's just there. That's all. * * * Sex is a sacrament. You know what a sacrament is? It's something that gets you "closer to God," just like the song says. You should treat sex with your beloved with the same reverence as people in church have when they're taking communion. (More, actually, because a lot of them are just going through the motions.) But that's what it should be like: communion. * * * Can you love more than one person? Probably. More than one at the same time? Sure, why not? Monogamy is just social conditioning. It's not really a natural thing for most people. But aside from all that, it's just plain unrealistic to expect one person to meet all your emotional needs. That's too much of a burden for anyone. * * * A friend of mine is fond of saying that there are a thousand and one ways to make love to someone. I say he underestimates me. * * * Why are people expected to date several partners and then choose one to be with, excluding all others? That's like saying, "Try all of Baskin Robbins' 31 flavors, then pick one," and for the rest of your life you only get to eat pistachio. What if you don't care all that much for most of them but you really like pistachio, vanilla fudge, and double Dutch chocolate equally? I'd like to think my emotional state's a little more important than dessert, so if you don't care how many flavors of ice cream are in my freezer, then don't criticize me for being in love with more than one person at a time. * * * How do you know when you're in love? Sometimes it hits you over the head like a hammer when you suddenly see the person you know is your other half walking across the street toward you and your eyes meet and you feel like you're looking at... yourself. And sometimes it's not like that at all; sometimes it sort of sneaks up on you when you wake up one morning with someone you've slept with a hundred times without ever even thinking the word "love" and you smell the sun on his shoulder when you kiss him and you realize... you can't imagine waking up without him anymore. * * * You have to remember that not everyone moves at the same pace. You might know beyond the shadow of a doubt that you're in love, while the other person's still sorting through their feelings. Be patient. Be consistent. Help them if they want help. * * * Don't be embarrassed or depressed if you said, "I love you," and they responded with that deer-in-headlights look. Love is never something to be ashamed of. * * * NEVER SAY YOU LOVE SOMEONE IF YOU DON'T. It's better to be honest and not automatically respond to "I love you" with "I love you too." If you do and you're sure, then by all means, say it, show it, shout it from the rooftops! If you aren't quite sure how you feel, do your lover the favor of not saying something you don't mean. (It'll mean much more when you are finally certain enough of your feelings to say it.) * * * Some people are afraid of sex. Maybe it's fear of catching some horrible disease, or fear of an unwanted pregnancy, or fear of losing control, or fear of letting someone see the real you-it could be anything. It doesn't matter why, really. But don't let fear of sex shut you off from the possibility of love. * * * It is far better to have love without sex than sex without love. * * * Don't try to compete with someone's other lovers. Unless you're all in the same bed, and then it can be quite entertaining. * * * Sexual intercourse is not the only way to express love. It isn't even the only way to express lust. * * * Don't think that if you've been in love once you'll recognize it right away if you feel it again. Love changes its face with every lover. * * * Some people think that because they're madly in love with A now, they couldn't possibly have been in love with B a few years ago, because it didn't feel like this. The truth is that A has nothing to do with B. It's as ludicrous as saying, "I like this orange I'm eating, so I couldn't possibly have really enjoyed the apple I ate yesterday, since it tasted different." Don't be an idiot. Don't let the taste of oranges deprive you of your enjoyment of apples. * * * Love means caring more about keeping that love alive than about keeping your ego intact. If you're really in love, expect your ego to get a little bruised occasionally. If you're really in love, it won't matter. * * * I knew a young man once who could've been the poster boy for promiscuity. Yet he'd been madly in love with the same woman for fifteen years. His explanation: "I am rarely faithful but I am always loyal." * * * True love is offered without any thought of what you might receive from the beloved. True love expects nothing. * * * You can defy logic and refuse to do what your head tells you to do. And you can defy your urges and refuse to do what your crotch tells you to do. But you cannot refuse to follow your heart. It will not be denied, and one way or another, it will lead you where it wants to go. * * * If you refuse to allow your love to flow out in the direction it naturally takes, it will still go where it wants to go. But it will very likely take some embarrassing detours. Better to just go along with it in the first place. * * * © Copyright 1998, 2004 by "Queen Z" [This article previously appeared in SKOPOS Vol. I No. 4, and is archived here in an updated format by permission of the author.] |