Not Coming to TV This Fall

Family Watching Television

by Johanna Rigby

It’s that time of summer, when the networks start advertising their new fall shows, attempting to entice viewers with new shows that really don’t have a very fresh feeling. doc

kipMaybe it’s a movie which was originally a short story that someone’s now decided would make a great TV series (Minority Report). Maybe it’s yet another medical drama (Code Black) or cop show (fill in your choice) – goodness knows we don’t have nearly enough of those. I consulted with a couple of TV experts (OK, I asked Doc Nicholas and my dog Kip) about what they’d like to see on TV this fall.

America’s Next Obscure Writer

(Competition) Follow a dozen writers no one’s ever heard of as they scramble to come up with stories, gnash their teeth over rewrites and formatting, submit their work, and get judged on the whim of someone who has absolutely no credentials other than having once seen a movie that might have been based on a book. Watch the agonizing nail-biting and chain-smoking as they suffer through weekly elimination rounds! Cheer as your favorites get work accepted to magazines no one but English majors have ever heard of!

Possible spinoff: revisiting the rejected writers next season after they’ve had time to become firmly entrenched in alcoholism and soul-crushing day jobs.

Pet ER

(Medical Drama) See Spot. See Spot run along inside his fence, chasing cars and barking his silly head off. See Spot leap the 10-foot-high fence and catch a Prius! Who knew Pomeranians could jump so high? See the conscientious Prius driver search in vain for Spot’s caretaker, who’s stuck at work. See Prius driver rush Spot to the nearest emergency vet. Blood and gore abound, but Spot will be OK! See Spot prance around happily in his new satellite-dish headgear. See the Prius driver faint upon seeing Spot’s vet bill.

Swan Lake

(Documentary) Swans mate for life – or do they? Watch the weekly adventures of four swan couples as they raise their young, forage for food, and try to sort out what the heck those bands are on their legs. Sylvia thinks they were born with them, but Sam is sure they were put there as tracking devices by the humanoid creatures who tranquilized them as they slept one night. Don’t worry, there’ll be plenty of gratuitous sex and violence as Sara and Su-Su lounge naked in the grass with glistening feathers after swimming, while Steve and Sven have a water battle royale over who has the longest neck. Big honkin’ fun for the whole family!

Watch Your Language!

(Game Show) It’s teens against parents in this game show about words! ROFL at the stumped parents as they try to use words like “bae” and “shade” in a sentence. Laugh at the youngsters as they wonder WTF a “gal” is or how you “high-hat” someone. It’s fun and educational!

Book Club

(Reality) It’s like your local library or neighborhood book club, except they talk about interesting books they’ve actually read instead of drinking wine and pretending to have opinions to impress the others.

D.C. After Dark

(Comedy-Drama) There’s a bar in The District where everyone knows your name, and they’ll gladly sell it to the media along with photos of you passed out on your bar stool after a hard day of filibustering! Every week is chock-a-docket full of spilled secrets, congressional capers, and boozy barristers.

Ten Is Enough

(Comedy) When Don Dale, his husband Tim, and their housekeeper Amanda decided to rescue four kittens, two dogs, and one jolly pot-bellied pig from a neighbor who was being evicted, they had no idea what they were getting into, but now they couldn’t imagine life without their wonderfully quirky family. Hairy hijinks abound!

Are You Smarter Than a Supreme Court Justice?

(Game Show) Contestants answer questions about the law, using the assistance of their friends on whatever social media forum they choose. Winner gets to explain (to a panel of law professors and actual attorneys) their theory of why the Supreme Court was wrong about something. If voted down, the contestant is banned from spouting uninformed opinions on social media ever again.

Undercover Temps

(Reality) Follow temps wired for sound and video as they go to work for major companies, exposing ethical violations, harassment incidents, illegal activities, and office pranks. What women’s magazine is actually run by a fourteen-year-old boy? Which weight-loss supplement manufacturer has birthday parties with chocolate cupcakes every afternoon? You’ll be shocked to see which high-end design firm actually works in a building with no electrical lighting!

Liar, Liar

(Action) Each week brings a new case to political consultant Rick Dixon, who knows that everyone makes mistakes and everyone lies; it’s just a matter of figuring out which lies are the least damaging and how to leverage the lies of your enemies. The season kicks off with a gripping 2-hour pilot about a fast-food magnate considering running for the Senate. It’s a white-knuckle episode as Rick Dixon uncovers who’s been stretching the truth about this weiner-meister!

 

© Copyright 2015 by Johanna Rigby.


Header photo “Family watching television 1958” by Evert F. Baumgardner – National Archives and Records Administration. Licensed under Public Domain via Wikimedia Commons.

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