Amber by K.C. Collins

by Xavier

Not even the night’s blackened sky
can lend comfort to these weary eyes.
There are but two stars to be seen.
The clouds cover the rest in the same way
they cover the faces of my nightly journeys
to those dark places of my mind…
The place where I can
no longer see my friends and lovers…
The place where blackened, ink-covered portraits of me
are hidden from my sight by the darkness around me
The place where my voice could be heard
by me and everyone else
but now can only be heard by the darkness
and the clouds and the silence…
The place where I could throw my arms around my love
and hold them close until morning came
and stole my unwilling heart away from them,
only to return it again the next night…
The place where home was who you kissed,
food was the sweet nectar of your
best friend’s cologne,
and love was the death of a thousand pink angels
and their resurrection
in your unworthy bosom…
The place where union has a meaning far beyond
the comprehension
of this weak and frail mind…
The place where barriers seeming impossible
to overcome by consciousness
are cut into a thousand pieces
by the single stroke of a dagger
placed in my hateful limb by my lord and my love…
The place where complete, untainted, wonderful death
is as sweet as love
and as frequent as common time…
The place where my life could be
an after-school special on a local TV station
or the topic of a Sunday school teacher’s
naked masturbation prayer to God,
or the tale told by hundreds of little old ladies
to the grandchildren of not more than five years old,
or the sermon that the
“not quite right” Catholic priest always tells,
or even a Disney’s animated movie of the summer…
The place where everything was attainable
and still is, to some…but not I.
My mind misleads my heart.
And my heart, confused and weak,
knows not how to survive
without the addiction
of that horrible drug known as “brain”
it has become accustomed to.
So until a better way is found to cope
with this addiction
or I find the common time to die
at least one more time and wean myself off
this attractive narcotic,
I guess there will just be the darkness,
the clouds,
and the silence.

© Copyright 1998 by Xavier. Republished 2005, 2011, 2014.

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