Photo courtesy of MorgueFile.com.
by Hunter MacKenzie, Xavier, and “Queen Z”
It’s early Saturday morning. You hear a knock at the door and take a peek outside before opening it. Oh, look: a couple of people all dressed up. Is that a handful of religious literature? There are a lot of different styles among church canvassers, so you don’t know right away whether the ones on your porch right now are the type who can respect your own beliefs (or lack thereof) – or whether they’re the evangelical guerilla variety: the kind who won’t leave until they’ve argued with you over every point of biblical trivia, condemned you to eternal damnation if you don’t hand over a donation, or badgered you to attend services until you’re ready to bludgeon yourself to death with a copy of the Watchtower just to make the insanity stop.
When they’re on your doorstep uninvited, they’re fair game to play with. Following is a collection of some of our favorite ways to deal with it. (Keep in mind that this is presented in the spirit of good humor. We’re not going to be held responsible if you think something you read here is a grand idea and somehow get yourself incarcerated, sued, or cast into a fiery pit of hell as a result.)
Open the door with a look of relief. Call back over your shoulder, “Honey, round up the kids – the exorcist is here!”
Quiz them on biblical trivia, such as whether it was salt water or fresh water that Jesus walked on. Ask how all the fish died in the Great Flood, and whether that was before or after the dinosaurs.
Open the door and glance around to make sure the neighbors aren’t watching. Say, “OK, hurry up, get inside. I’ll pay you for the full hour, but you’ve got to be out of here before Mother gets home!”
Tell them you support their cause and would like to make a donation. Ask how much you’d need to give in order to have just a fair-to-middling house in Heaven – not on one of the gold-paved streets or anything, just upwind from Hell so that you don’t get that charred smell soaking into the furniture.
Open the door excitedly. Say, “Oh, good! We were really in desperate need of a couple of human sacrifices for services tonight – and here you are!”
Ask if they have an express lane drive-thru window at their church. Explain that you’re very busy and just don’t have time to sit around for hours every week waiting to get saved. If they indicate that they don’t have a drive-thru, ask if they have an app for your phone.
Yell through the door, “I’ve had just about enough of you FBI guys wanting to ‘investigate’ the porn on my computer!”
Let them know that if you have to be “washed in the blood of the Lamb,” you’re going to expect someone to pay for your dry-cleaning.
Inquire about their communion services. Express regret that you cannot attend because you’re a recovering alcoholic. (This only works if they actually have wine at their communion services. Many churches use grape juice as a substitute, which will allow you to annoy them by taking a purist stance; it states very plainly in the bible that Jesus turned water into wine, not Welch’s grape drink.)
Open the door and yell over your shoulder, “Throw another rattlesnake in the oven and set an extra plate, honey, we’ve got company!”
Listen with evident concern for a few seconds, then politely interrupt and inquire as to whether they’re satisfied with their present level of life insurance coverage.
If you’ve just gotten out of bed, muss up your hair some more and put on your most haggard face before you open the door. Say, “Oh, you’re here about the weasels! I finally got all six of them corralled in the bathroom, but good luck getting the little buggers into pet taxis!”
After listening politely for a bit, say, “I’m confused… are you talking about Zeus or Odin or Allah or who? It’s so unclear when you just keep saying God this and God that. Could you be more specific?”
Ask them if they know any good spells for protection against vampires or werewolves.
Don’t open the door. Just yell, “Hey, I’m clean, I don’t deal with that stuff anymore! Go push your evil, mind-rotting drugs on somebody else!”
Fling open the door and charge right out at them. Say, “Do you know that the Anti-Christ is in the Kremlin? What are you doing about that?! The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse are coming and you’re trotting around in your nice little suits ringing doorbells?!”
Open the door, jump up and down, and scream, “I knew it – you’re the Prize Patrol, aren’t you?! How much did I win???”
© 1999 by Hunter MacKenzie, Xavier & “Queen Z.” Updated and republished 2015.
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